Stop Designing for Ghosts

I'm in a lot of jewelry maker groups online, and I see the same question posted almost daily:

"Should I make this design? Will people buy it? What do you think customers want?"

And every time, I want to reach through the screen and shake their shoulders (lovingly, of course 🙃).

Here's what I know after nine years as a coach and three as a jeweler: The moment you start creating for some imaginary customer in your head, you've already lost.

When I first started Arete Adorned, I'd catch myself doing this mental gymnastics routine. I'd design something I loved, then immediately start second-guessing it:

"But is it too weird? Would someone actually wear this? Maybe I should make it simpler... more mainstream... less ME."

You know what happened when I listened to that voice? I made boring jewelry that I didn't even want to wear. And guess what else? It didn't sell any better.

Plot twist: trying to please everyone pleases no one.

Why do we do this? Oh, and it's not just about jewelry. I see this constantly with my coaching clients in the corporate world:

• The executive who dims her brilliance in meetings because she's worried about coming across as "too much"
• The creative who pitches safe ideas instead of bold ones because they might be "too out there"
• The leader who becomes a chameleon - shape-shifting based on who's in the room

We think we're being strategic. We think we're reading the room and giving people what they want.

But here's the truth: We're designing for ghosts.

That imaginary person you're trying to please doesn't exist. You've created a composite of assumptions, projections, and fear, then made them the boss of your decisions.

And here's stone-cold truth: Making decisions based on how you want others to perceive you doesn't just feel bad — it makes everything harder:

It's exhausting. You're constantly monitoring, adjusting, second-guessing. There's no flow, no joy, just performance.

It's heavy. Every decision requires running it through the "what will they think" filter, which slows you down and drains your energy.

It doesn't even work. The irony here is that you rarely get the result you're hoping for. People can sense inauthenticity from a mile away. They might not be able to name it, but they feel it.

You double down on the wrong thing. When it doesn't work (because how could it?), you assume you failed at reading what people wanted. So you try harder to please them, getting farther away from what would actually connect.

When I stopped asking "Will people buy this?" and started asking "Do I love this?" I learned something that was a game changer:

My work got better. More distinctive. More me.

And the people who were meant to find me? They found me. Not because I was trying to appeal to everyone, but because I was in my fullest expression. Of myself.

The pieces I make that I absolutely love — the ones where I'm designing for my own soul — are always the ones that resonate most with others. Always.

Because authenticity is magnetic.

When you create from a place of truth, you call in your people. When you create from a place of pleasing, you call in... confusion.

But I want to be clear: You're not going to appeal to everyone. No matter how hard you try.

Even before I became a jeweler, I had to learn a lesson that took me way too long to understand: I'm not for everyone.

And that's perfect.

The people who are meant to be my clients don't want me to be like everyone else. They're drawn to me precisely because I'm NOT trying to be what I think they want.

Same goes for you in your work, your leadership, your relationships, your life.

The people looking for the real you can't find you when you're busy performing a version you think they want to see.

So instead of asking:

• "What will they think?"
• "Will people like this?"
• "Is this too much/not enough/too weird?"

Ask this: "Does this feel true?"

When you create, lead, decide, or show up from that place of truth, everything gets lighter. Easier. More joyful.

And paradoxically, you become more magnetic to exactly the people you want to reach. ✨

This week, notice where you're designing for ghosts:

• Where are you dimming yourself based on who might be watching?
• What decision are you making based on imagined opinions rather than your own truth?
• Where are you shape-shifting to fit what you think others want?

Then ask: What would I do if I trusted that being fully myself is enough?

Try it. Just once. Create something, say something, decide something from that place of complete authenticity.

Watch what happens.

Your people are waiting for the real you to show up. Stop making them wait. And keep shining. 🙌🏻